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| A Mother's Gift…
And, who would argue that, historically, biologically, and traditionally, the mother has played the most critical role in our children's lives? That, who and what this woman is, somehow shapes what kind of person the child will grow into. Fathers' roles are important, of course. But, fathers are those brave soldiers who back up, and implement what mothers dictate. They make sure when mama says "Jump," that the child's feet doesn't scrape the top of the moon on his way over. My own mother died early. And, yes, "early", is relative. Mama was 64 when she died, just as she was grasping the real joy in life: the joy of marriage to a man she'd been married to for 45 years; the joy of loving her children, but not having responsibility for their happiness; the joy of looking back without regrets, on her own life. If there were regrets, they were ours, because of her early departure from our lives. That rer grandsons and granddaughters hadn't learned all her lessons. That they would never be held by her, or look into her soft, smiling face. That, her own daughters were left still not knowing the full essence of who she was, with questions still needing answers, still wondering about those sometimes oh-so silent, silences. In spite of what was left undone, mama's selfless gifts continued beyond her. In death, she gave over her children to our father. For the first time… in our adult lives, we became equally his. The realization played havoc on the traditionally male parenting instinct daddy had perfected during their 45 years. Mama's death, a bitter pill for all of us…forced this 72 year old man to move closer, and open his heart wider to include our grief. Forcing us, her children, to move forward as well, all in hopes of filling the void she'd left. Daddy became the nurturer - worrying, staying up late at night, remembering children's and grandchildren's birthdays like clockwork. I found myself shaking my head in amazement, and imagining his wife of 45 years looking down with that quizzical smile of hers, asking: "Who is this man?" This man she'd lain with, bore children for, worked alongside to finish the crops all of her adult life… where had he hidden all of this humanity? Yet, when I truly open my eyes to my childhood, I realize he had it in him all along. He had been a "special" father, all those years. He was the one who sat us down and taught each of his children how to count, to read, to tie our shoe-laces. He was the one who mesmerized us with magical tales sprinkled with truth. Yet, even then, he was a father who stood to the side when it came to mama's role. Because mama was so perfect in that role, and he had always been so sure she would be there to do it right. My father's ability to extend his parenting role, so late in life, was an amazing feat. But, it was the huge void that Mama left, that brought my father and his children closer together. Her leaving allowed him to infiltrate our hearts in a different way. What we learned, my siblings and I, was that dad could be a soft landing place in our shaky world. He, who had depended so completely on mother's wise parenting, now took up the reign of being that kind of parent, too. What it must have cost this man to put aside his own personal wants and desires as he opened his home and life to us. Allowing us to continue our rituals, missing mom, but going on just the same. Ideal parenting is a collaboration between two -- a commitment, a pact; and, no amount of self help books will change that. My parents drew that pact early on, and in the end, created something magical. All of us, their 18 children, are better parents, because of it. Janis F. Kearney is a Chicago writer, former journalist and diarist to President Bill Clinton. A Harvard W.E.B. Du Bois Fellow, she is currently completing William Jefferson Clinton: From Hope to Harlem; and a personal memoir, Cotton Field of Dreams. Kearney Communications 5138 S. Kenwood Ave.#2 Chicago, IL 60615 (773) 493-2007 --ph (773) 493-5747 --fax janisfk@aol.com |
A professed liberal in most things, I still believe in the sanctity of marriage, and the importance of two-parent homes. But, I also feel that parenting is one part strategic collaboration as two adults feel their way through the dark, and one part, a lucky roll of the dice -- resulting in our creation of good and productive human beings